Sony revealed its new PlayStation subscription service this week for all to see. It offers three different tiers, ranging from the basic PlayStation Plus experience to one with as many as 700+ old games to either download or experience through cloud gaming. There are a decent amount of things to like about what Sony is offering.

Of that curated library of 700+ games Sony is offering, there is one extremely notable absence. Sony’s first-party games won’t be there at launch. Not now, and not in the future if you are to believe Jim Ryan. And as he’s the CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment, I guess I believe him when he says it:

[In terms of] putting our own games onto this service, or any of our services, upon their release…as you well know, this is not a road that we’ve gone down in the past. And it’s not a road that we’re going to go down with this new service. 

Now of course his motives are pure and full of virtue. He cares about us, the players. He cares about our experience. After all, if we stopped paying for both the subscription service AND for the first-party games individually, the quality of those first-party games would go down. He’s really looking out for all of us. What a guy.

If even the most hardcore of PlayStation supporters believes that, I have some oceanfront property in Arizona that’s just perfect for them.

Of course, maybe Jim Ryan is right. Maybe I’ve been looking at this whole pro-consumer thing all wrong. After all, what’s more American than convincing average people who are fiercely loyal to a brand that what will really help them out is if the people who own companies or brands get even more from them?

Yes, Jim Ryan is right. Now that I think about it, I might have to cut this short. I have to reach out to my old employer and apologize. It seems that when they told me that giving me more money would actually make my job worse because they wouldn’t be able to hire good people around me, they were really just looking out for me. I was so selfish for not seeing how charitable they were being when they wanted to keep that money for them.

While we’re at it, just think of how great Netflix would become if we had to pay more for Netflix produced content. Stranger Things would be epic, you guys. As it stands, I wonder how they even get full episodes out. Considering that they take the anti-quality stance of including their content in their subscription, I’m surprised that Red Notice wasn’t missing random complete scenes. How did they afford The Rock? You’d think it was filmed using hand puppets.

Now I need to thank Jim Ryan. This revelation is opening so many doors of enlightenment for me. I mean, how much better would my workout be if I had to put money in the treadmill at the gym on top of my membership? If I get an infection, how kick-ass a cure would I get if my antibiotics weren’t included my health insurance plan?

I think Amazon Prime would be so much better if we still paid for shipping on top of the yearly subscription too. We probably don’t even know how bad the shipping is right now with all the shortcuts and quality sacrifices they have to make by including it.

Now, I suppose some truly silly people will try to tell me that Xbox Game Pass includes first-party titles at launch and they do just fine. That Forza Horizon 5 won its category at The Game Awards and Halo Infinite was a widely celebrated release.

Shills. I feel sorry for you with your facts and examples.

And please, don’t even start with the argument that Xbox users can still choose to purchase a game if they want to, and even get a discount on said purchase if they’re a Game Pass member. Choice is for losers. Not to mention what it does to quality.

Next you’ll tell me that there’s absolutely zero real evidence that game development quality decreases with inclusion in a subscription service. You clearly didn’t watch Matrix Resurrections on HBO Max. But to those people, I say shush. We don’t need evidence. It sounded really good when the guy who benefits a lot from us giving him more money said it, so it must be true.

My entire world has changed from writing this. Thank you, Jim Ryan. If you’re not a motivational speaker already, you certainly should be.

Oh, and you can all forget about that oceanfront property. I’ve decided that I want it now.

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